Julie’s Story

At 20 years old, fresh out of college and newly living on my own, one night changed the course of my life.

One early evening after work, I pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex where I had recently moved. I remember having a thought: drive around again before parking. I ignored it. After I turned off the car and gathered my things, a man suddenly appeared at my door. He pointed a gun at my head and told me to keep quiet. Fear flooded my body. I froze and did as I was told, praying he would not take my life.

For the next several hours, he held me at gunpoint and raped me repeatedly. I was certain he would leave me for dead in a nearby park. Instead, he brought me back to my apartment parking lot and dropped me off. I was alive, but in shock and despair. My roommate called the police, and my parents came over. We were all trying to understand what had happened. It felt unreal, like a nightmare.

Then the blame began, mostly from within. I questioned what I had worn that dress, why I had not listened to my instincts, and why I had dismissed my fear. A friend of my parents even suggested to my mother that maybe this had happened because of some sexual sin. That comment wounded me for years. Even though I knew I had done nothing to deserve being attacked, my mind still searched for an explanation. Trauma often does that. It looks for blame in an attempt to make sense of the senseless.

That night left a deep scar and affected every part of my life for many years. It shaped the way I saw my past, my future, my relationships, my dreams, and my sense of safety. I moved through life constantly scanning for danger, carrying a heaviness I could not shake. Although I experienced some healing over time, I eventually realized I needed something deeper.

I joined a covenant group called Not Alone, and though it was painful to face what I had buried, it became a turning point. Through that group, and through my experience with God there, I began to see how deeply the rape had affected my emotions, behavior, and view of life. I also saw how long I had lived in survival mode.

What I found in that space was not judgment, but compassion. The group helped me begin to have compassion for myself. It gave me a new beginning and helped me move beyond the fear and shame I had carried for more than thirty years. What happened to me changed the course of my life, but it does not define all of who I am.

Now I want to share my story authentically and without shame. Healing has not meant the absence of fear; it has meant moving forward even when fear is still present. Today I am able to walk alongside other women who feel stuck because of trauma. I understand survival mode because I lived there for years.

Looking back, I can see how much energy I spent trying to appear okay. As a wife, mother, friend, daughter, and sister, I often focused more on looking fine than on being honest about what was happening inside me. I did not know how to process my pain, so I hid it.

Now I am learning to speak up and say that I have needs too. Through Christian counseling, regular meetings with a spiritual director, and intentional emotional growth, I have continued to heal. I am learning which relationships are safe and supportive as I become braver and more grounded in who I am.

These experiences have shaped me into a healthier woman mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and relationally. They have helped me become a healthier person, wife, mother, and friend. My story includes deep pain, but it also includes healing, courage, and hope.