Julie’s Story

      I was 20 years old. I just moved out into my own apartment. I had my own checking account and a car. I felt so proud of myself for being independent.

      Then one night all that changed.

      It was dark. I pulled up into the parking lot where I lived. I heard this voice in my head to drive around the block but I didn’t pay attention to it. Out of nowhere, a man came up…held a gun at my head…and told me to keep quiet. Overwhelming fear filled my body. I froze up. I did as I was told while praying he wouldn’t take my life. He took me to a desolate park. There he raped me repeatedly while holding a gun to my head.

      When it was over, he took me back to the parking lot where I lived and dropped me off. I was alive but filled with shock and despair. I called the police. My parents came over and tried to console me.

      Then the blame game started. I kept thinking I shouldn’t have been wearing that dress or I should have driven around the block or I shouldn’t have done this or that. A friend of my parents said to my mother that maybe this happened to me because of some sexual sin. The things people say! I was so hurt by that. Even though I knew in my head I was a victim, I felt in my heart that somehow this was my fault.

      The trauma left a huge scar in my being, one that has held me back and ruled my life…until now.

      I was almost 50. Although I had therapy over the years, I realized that deeper healing was needed. I joined a covenant group called Not Alone. Although it was very difficult looking at my issues, I had an amazing experience with God and the group. It was so hard to face my pain and realize how much the rape affected my behavior. I couldn’t see my own blind spots. This group lovingly helped me without judgment for which I am so grateful. I walked away with not being so stuck in fear as I was the past thirty years.

      You see the rape completely changed the course of my life that I never could have imagined. I am sharing this because I want to be authentic, overcome fear and come alongside other women who are stuck in fear because of trauma. I see now how I wasn’t authentic in my relationships as a wife, mother and friend because I wanted them to like me, not reject me.

Now I can speak up and let others know I have needs, too.

If you are playing the “If Only” video, replace it with “What is True” CD.  Throw that old VHS tape away. Its outdated and useless to you.