Tips for Survivors

5.     Practice Self-Compassion

Self-Compassion is a gift you can offer yourself and is a part of the healing process. Survivors of sexual trauma tend to blame themselves for what happened. Over the years I have heard:

“I shouldn’t have gone out with him.”

“I shouldn’t have gone to the bar.”

“I should have seen his true intentions.”

“I should have fought back.”

“I should have reported him.”

“Shoulds” are like ingesting small amounts of poison daily.  You feel awful. And slowly you will shut down.

When you feel that self-loathing coming on, try a Havening Technique while saying compassion statements to yourself.  You can find out more about this technique on YouTube. Incorporating the body with the heart and mind offers a more holistic approach to healing. 

Here are some compassion statements. Make a list of your own compassion statements. You may want to give yourself a hug or pat yourself on the back.

“I accept that part of me that is _______________ (fearful, angry, disappointed, etc.)”

“All humans need love.  I just needed to be loved.”

“It is okay to want ________ from this person or situation. If I don’t receive it, I am still good enough.”

“I am a work in progress.”

“I am on a difficult healing path and am doing a good job.”

“Fear is a part of the human condition. I am not alone in my fears.”

“I am still the Beloved daughter of God, even though I messed up.”

“I am not perfect. I am loved anyway.”

“I am a great _______________ even if _________doesn’t think so.”

“I learned a lesson from my past mistake. I am stronger now even though it was painful.”

“I can own my part for the suffering. I am still worthy.”

“I love you. I see you. I hear you.”

1.     Love Yourself by Practicing Daily Self-Care.

A pastor gave a sermon on self-care one day. On the table were two buckets, one empty, one with water. He held up a dry, crusty sponge, dipped it into the water until it was soft, plump, and overflowing. Then he poured into the empty bucket and said, “When you don’t take care of yourself, you are like this crusty, hard sponge. When you take care of yourself, you can pour into others.”

I have excellent self-care. This is necessary so I will have the physical energy and presence to serve others. Swimming and dancing give me strength and release tension. Reading a great book, watching a good movie, and having a deep conversation with a friend bring me both peace and joy. Daily conversations with God, getting out in nature, and engaging in spiritual practices fill my soul.

Take a piece of paper and make 3 columns and title those Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual.  Under each column, list how you take care of yourself in each area. True, these often overlap as we are made of all three. Do your best.  Then look at what you wrote. Answer the following questions.

• Do you believe in loving yourself?  Why or why not? Some people believe they don’t have time or need to put other’s needs above their own.

• Where are you good at loving yourself? 

• Where could you be better?

• What nurtures you?

• What drains you?

• How can you be more balanced?   What do you need to change/add or delete?

2.     Spend Time with God

Abuse causes shame and creates trust issues.  God is angry when people are abused.  Jesus grieves over those who have been harmed in this way.  I don’t know why he allowed it or didn’t stop it from happening to me. What I do know is that God cherishes me and I have grown through my brokenness. Now, I can journey with those whose hearts have been broken.  I am confident that in time, your trust and joy can be restored to you as well.

Trust is earned, and trust takes time.

This is so true of our human relationships and our relationship with God. He is not human and is faithful to his character and promises. As I have spent time with God and experienced him in a deeply personal way, I know he is trustworthy. Many women ask me why such a loving, trustworthy God allowed this suffering to happen to them and to others.  I do not have an answer for that. But I always say:

God does not cause trauma. People do.

I spend time with God every day. I share what I am grateful for and what I appreciate about Him. I may express anger, disappointment, and sadness. I pray for others in need and for my own.

I feel heard. Seen. Known. 

Start by spending time with God. Talk to him like you would a friend. Tell him how you really feel about what happened to you. He longs to spend with you. 

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

 Therapy was necessary and insightful and yet I experienced deeper healing from God. Over the years I have learned and engaged in various spiritual practices. Although healing is life-long, I am more grounded as the Beloved Daughter of God. He has transformed my shame into confidence. I capture those shameful toxic thoughts easily and dwell on what is truth. I am freer to live out my purpose which is to share my healing journey and hope with other survivors.

A simple practice you can do is Experiencing God’s Love Daily.

Experiencing God’s Love Daily

• Sit comfortably in your chair. If you are comfortable, close your eyes.

• Take a few deep breaths. Breathe in for a count of six, hold it for four counts, breathe out for 5 counts. Do this for a minute. Then breathe in the love of God, breathe out any distractions for one minute. 

• Now recall today or yesterday and name 5 ways you experienced God’s love for you. It could be simple, such as a kind text, a smile from someone, a dog wagging its tail, or a hug.

• Now, invite God, Jesus, and or The Holy Spirit to relish these gifts with you. Pause for a few moments. Give yourself a hug and you experience His love for you every day.

• Journal your experience. This gives clarity and reminds you of his loving gifts as we often forget.

For more spiritual practices, check out both the Not Alone book and the Not Alone Workbook.  There is hope for deeper healing with God!