Tips for Those Who Accompany Survivors

Many survivors of sexual trauma shared with me the hurtful things people say and do, even in the church and within the family. Although not intentional, people don’t know what to do and say.

Sexual trauma is an uncomfortable topic. 

Tip #1.    Compassionate Listening

• Just listen. You don’t need a degree to offer compassionate listening.

• The temptation for many of us is to fix or advise. Or to avoid hearing someone’s pain. Sexual abuse is an uncomfortable topic. Do not offer advice or fixing.

• Maintain eye contact.  Nod your head occasionally.

• Allow moments of silence. Allow tears. Do not interrupt them.

• Do not touch or hug unless you ask permission. A handshake is appropriate.

• Put your own thoughts aside while listening. In spiritual direction, we call this Bracketing.

• Try to empathize. You may not have been sexually abused; however, we all have been wounded and experienced pain.

• Offer a compassion statement. “I feel sorrow over what happened to you.”

• Offer encouragement.

• Thank them for sharing their story with you.

If all you do is offer compassionate listening, that is a tremendous gift. We live in a world where deep listening is a rare commodity.

Being heard is priceless.

Tip #2   Avoid Christian Platitudes

Have you ever shared something so painful only to have the person throw a scripture at you?

I love God deeply and his Word. There is a time and place for scripture. It may come across as fixing, giving advice, or moving them to the healing process too quickly. Instead, just listen with compassion.

Here are some Christian Platitudes that I and others have heard.

• “Just turn it over to God.”     

• “You don’t need a therapist. Jesus can heal you.”   

• “Do you think you were in some sexual sin, so this is why this happened to you?”  

• “You just need to forgive and move on.”     

• “Pray more.” 

• “It will be ok.”     

People will turn to God when they are ready. Until then, be Jesus with skin on.

Tip #3   Assure them it was not their fault.

Certain sayings such as, “What were you wearing?” or “Well, you went out and drank with him?” places blame on the victim.

Abuse has no excuse.

Carol, who was 30 at the time, went out to a bar one night with her friends. There were these three guys who tried to pick up on them.  The girls declined but when they persisted, Carol got firm and told them to “F…off.” 

She woke up the next day in a hotel room, naked, bruised, and alone. A rape drug was slipped into her drink. The men had their way with her.

She blamed herself for a long time. “I shouldn’t have gone to the bar. I shouldn’t have been drinking. I shouldn’t have been rude.”  This was not her fault. 

Shoulda Coulda Woulda  is a dead end road.

Don’t Compare Trauma.

You may be thinking, “Well, your trauma was not as bad as their trauma.”  People are affected by trauma differently. Much depends on their ability to cope, the family systems growing up, and current safe, support. Comparing causes one to shut down and minimize their trauma.

Please be aware: No One Size Fits All. In other words, not every survivor exhibits the same manifestations. Be open-minded and do not label someone. Everyone’s experience is unique in how it manifests itself.

Tip # 4   Know When to Refer

Most survivors of sexual trauma need and benefit from therapy. I sure did.  I wait and hear their story before I refer. I ask a few questions to see where they are and what their desires are. Referring too soon may send a message that you do not care and do not want to listen.

After listening to someone, when the timing is right, you can ask, “What has helped in the past? What worked for you?”

This gives the person an opportunity to tell you about any counseling, therapy, 12-step, healing prayer services, small covenant groups or other types of healing activities in which they have taken part.

Survivors can benefit from seeing a therapist and a spiritual director at the same time. Therapy was necessary and insightful for me, but deeper healing happened with God.

Here are some reasons for referral but not limited to:

• Mandatory abuse of a minor or elder.

• Causing harm to themselves or others.

• Repressed Trauma or Flashbacks.

• Deep Anxiety.

• Trauma trapped in Body. One woman said she cringed when hugged. (I don’t greet with a hug unless I am invited). EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy is helpful.

• When that voice inside of you says this is over my head.

If you are a clergy, ministry leader or spiritual director, I encourage you to have a list of referral sources including therapists and local organizations that help with trauma.

For more information on how to accompany a survivor, please check out my book, Not Alone: Transforming Trauma and Accompanying Survivors.  If you are a spiritual director or pastoral counselor, please see my book, “Spiritual Direction with Survivors of Sexual Trauma.”