Realistic Expectations

Today is my husband’s birthday. We have been married for 39 years.  Through the peaceful still waters and challenging raging rapids, we are still best friends. I am so grateful for Ron, a man of integrity and brilliance, who loves God and accepts me unconditionally. And he finds pleasure in warm, clear ocean waters as I do.

Younger women will ask me, “How have you stayed married so long?”

Although there is a long list, I will share two invaluable qualities: support one another’s dreams and have realistic expectations.

Over the years, we have had different dreams, interests, and hobbies that we encourage one another to pursue. Currently, Ron is a docent at the USS Midway Museum in San Diego and plays bass guitar in a band with other docents. He is delighted to use his military experience, his brilliant mind, and musical talents in his season or retirement. I am so happy for him!

Ron was so supportive of me when I decided to retire as an Audiologist and pursue spiritual direction. He has been a safe companion for me along my healing journey.  I felt supported when I dreamt of being a writer and finally published some articles and books. He helps me with the technical piece of uploading books onto Kindle and even publishing my blogs!  I feel cherished.

Surrendering expectations is nothing new. True, in a marriage, we give and take with our needs as best as we are able.  Ron and I have agreed that we can’t meet all of each other’s needs. We do the best we can and then seek certain needs elsewhere. I have a story to share.

This one afternoon, I sat down at the kitchen table with Ron.

“I had a tremendous revelation today in therapy,” I announced. “I told you before I believed a lie that ‘I am bad’ if I express anger or if someone is angry towards me. I learned we all have deeper needs such as love, significance, value, approval, belonging, security, and respect. One of my deeper needs is to be heard.”

“That’s good,” he said kindly. “What’s for dinner?”

I blew up. “What??? I just shared this with you, and all you can do is ask about dinner? You don’t listen to me!” And I stormed out of the room.

Didn’t handle that one well. But I didn’t go down that road in my head with a giant sign shouting, “You are bad, Anne.”  Well, I was pleased with my progress on not hooking into that false belief, but not with how I expressed myself. 

I am a work in progress. It is human to get angry. I made a mistake, overreacting in anger. I can make it right. I am still a worthwhile person. 

Later, I apologized for yelling at him. I explained that I feel loved when I am heard. He said he would try to listen better. And I would try to express my anger calmly. 

I reflected on my husband not meeting a need of mine: to listen deeply. I know he loves me and am so grateful he accepts me as I am. But deeply listening?  That is a challenge for the bright engineer I married. He truly has a good heart, though.

A friend involved with Al-Anon told me this powerful statement: 

                     Don’t go to the Hardware store expecting to buy bread.  

This was life changing for me with my relationships. The image of the strip mall by my house came to mind. There was Albertsons, several restaurants, Starbucks, Rite Aid, and a hardware store. The conversation in my head went something like this.

What is in a hardware store?  Tools. Like a hammer.

Their purpose?  To fix things. 

Is this a good thing?  Of course. Tools, like hammers and screwdrivers, nails, screws, are good things with a specific purpose. 

Does a hammer provide nourishment like bread?  No. Duh.

If I expect that store to give me bread, then I have unrealistic expectations. If bread is what I need in that moment, then I will go to Albertsons. 

And here is the key. The hammer is okay for not giving me nourishment. And I am okay for wanting bread. But not from the hammer. 

My husband is not a hammer. He is direct and kind and loves me very much. I share as much as my husband can listen. 

Then I go call a girlfriend.