Chou’s Story

Rediscover and Love Yourself

The abuse happened in the Republic of Congo. But it followed me across the globe.

I was starting College. Young, bright, funny, easy-going described me. Also, naïve and too trusting.

There was this young man in his early twenties. I had feelings for him. We texted back and forth for a while until one day, he invited me over.

In his room, there was only a bed. So, I sat down. Before long he started caressing me. I felt comfortable with his affection until he tried to take my clothes off. I pushed him away, but he was much stronger than me.

I felt all alone against a giant. I felt weak. Scared. So numb. I gave up fighting. Then he raped me.

When it was over, he took me to the bus stop and told me that I wasn’t even that good. Another dagger to my heart.

I couldn’t find the words to express how I was feeling inside. This made it hard for others to understand the depth of my pain. When I finally told my pastor, all I could say was that I slept with someone I didn’t intend to. I couldn’t say the word “rape.” He prayed for me but that was all. I felt so misunderstood.

The bright, funny, easy-going girl in me turned into shame, guilt, depression and withdrawn.

The pain made me hide. I pushed good people away.

Several years later, I finally took the first step and admitted out loud, “I was raped.”

In therapy, I worked through the suppressed memories in the part of my brain that stored the trauma. I also learned that other wounds from my childhood caused me to not use my voice. That is why I did not scream or yell for help or say STOP. 

Abuse will tell you lies about yourself, about others, about the world, and about God. Trauma skews your perspective and worldview. In my healing journey, I rediscovered myself. More importantly to deepen my faith in God. As I started loving myself, I was able to forgive myself for the guilt, anger, and shame. I had to deal with my pain.

Letting go became a choice. A difficult one but a choice indeed. Not to endorse what happened but to release myself from living under the weight of the abuse. I didn’t want to be a victim anymore. I chose to let go so I could heal. And healed I am!

After a time, I created and launched Grace & Hope Consulting, LLC. We provide mental health services that focus on depression, anxiety, suicide prevention, trauma prevention and recovery. I became a Certified Family Trauma Professional and licensed trainer for trauma-informed care.

I am silent no more.

chou@graceandhopeconsulting.com  and phone is (717) 216-0230